Well, we did have this one time together that I will never forget. He and I went on a date, I'm wearing this smoking hot red dress, Dwayne (The Rock) arrives all handsome and suited. He tells me how incredible I look and comes in for one of those long deep kisses.... those chiseled arms wrapped around me... later he's opening the car door for me and gives me a confident smack on the behind (one of those, "he can do that because we've established it's his, and we will be handling that later" kinda smacks)... and i think how lovely it is that we are this comfortable couple now.
So I woke up before it went further,
but seriously, after every break up, Dwayne appears:
in a picture, a new movie release... he reminds me not to forget about him. Case in point, the very next day after the break-up, I found this picture of him while clipping magazines for collages.
Is there any clearer message than this?!
But my point is (sorry The Rock gets me a little distracted),
the point is that now I can keep this picture of my one celebrity crush out in the open, admire it and feel no guilt.
Thank you break up for giving me back The Rock and for this picture, which affirms my long held belief that my kitty would be in great hands with him.
I no longer feel any pressure to be in any specific location, at any set time, or settle in any particular region in order to maintain a relationship. I will move, and would have moved, for love but perhaps this wasn't the city or person meant for me. Not having to consider how my choices intersect with someone else's schedule and geography, while I plan next steps, makes everything simpler.
Thank you break up for giving me the whole world, even if I am alone in it again.
Since we broke up at the height of my loving him and being into him; the only thing bad about it, from my perspective, was that it ended. There were only a few recent days of strong uncertainty and doubt, where I thought it might be over, but other than that I was blissful and imagining the next time we would see each other. So we didn't run it into to the ground, which may have been its eventual destination.
Kinda like if you love chocolate more than anything else, from this one store. And then you find out suddenly that the store is closing its doors, today. You may never have your favorite chocolate again and it's devastating. BUT, let's say you were fortunate and recieved notice of the closure after you've been living in the chocolate store for almost a year, in chocolate heaven... yeh, you're still sad and broken up about the closure, but it's hard to have regrets or rage since you've had a sweet few seasons of goodness before it came to an end.
Sure, I might never have left the chocolate store if it had stayed open forever... but who knows, given a few more months I may have become tragically allergic. Just like the relationship could have morphed into something unrecognizable.
Thank you break up for letting me indulge in satisfaction until the very end.
The bar has been raised to new heights.
The nine months was so outstanding, I can't imagine settling for bullshit mediocrity in any future endeavor. My ex is a grown ass man, he's smart, he's honest and real, he's secure and can follow through, he makes me think about and look at things differently, we travelled together, we danced together, we worked out together, we did regular stuff like buying groceries and watching sports. He's handsome, has a great body and we took good care of each other while it lasted. I don't remember ever wanting someone so much or being that consistently and strongly attracted to someone. I didn't "settle" on him, I chose him. We mutually pursued each other and both gave so much energy, effort and positivity to our time- whether we were together or at a distance. I'm exiting a relationship that felt pretty ideal, it just couldn't be sustained over long distances and conflicts of schedules and timelines.
Thank you break up for convincing me what I want actually exists and is possible, even if it doesn't always last.
Pondering my life this early pre sunrise moment, in this day that is only percolating and not quite begun. I will see the dawn rising in an hour or two. Maybe I will get dressed in warm clothes and go out to meet it, in all it's glory. I could go run in it, see how fast my legs can take me on this empty stomach and slightly emptied heart.
My hurt asks me to get in my body: to sweat, to breathe fast til I'm out of breath, til there is a pinching in my lungs, pain of strain in my legs. These things that bring me back to my body and out of my mind. Perhaps if my body is racing my mind can be still. Perhaps if my heart accelerates from exercise it will forget the pain of love and loss and remember that it beats for survival, not some perception of pleasure, theories of unending friendships, or beliefs that there is a match for it. The heart is a functional organ, not this imagined creation.
But the poet predicts her future in verse. The subconscious capturing of ideas on the page is sometimes a psychic act. Perhaps I've always been able to tell the future, so there are no real surprises when i hold pen and paper or press letters on a keyboard. This is the place I become, that spot where ink and words find the page and collide. Ideas turned into tangible reflection.
I am the paragraph unfinished with a topic sentence drafted. Eventually there will be a conclusion to this thesis that my everyday life is writing. This struggle is research for my becoming. There is no other topic more relevant to my life than myself. Who I am, where I am, where I'm going... These ongoing questions arrive at daily answers that are perhaps only as permanent as sand's location on a beach. These too shall be in flux, I too shall be moved, by wind and waves, footsteps and the constant act of being. Today is no different to the ocean or the moon; they continue in their cycles, adjusting to the time and season, but their essence is constant. My essence too is a constant, everything else remains in motion.